Why Your Attachment Style
Is VITALLY important in your life? Especially if you are Anxious-Preoccupied.
Because if you don’t know what is going on, it can seriously harm your mental and physical health.
Your attachment style will determine your instinctual behavior in any relationship, but it will be most prominent when it comes to intimate partners.
Lately, it is becoming common knowledge, I still think it is widely unknown, how disastrous it can be when an Anxious-Preoccupied keep finds herself attracted to a Dismissive Avoidant.
The Anxious wants closeness and reassurance, consistency and honesty; but with an Avoidant, she will get distance, dismissal, shaming and lies.
Avoidants cannot take closeness for long and despise emotions, Anxious partners feel neglected and unloved without constant intimacy and connection.
Eventually, due to being unaware of the consequences of attachment styles, both will blame the other for their frustration. The Avoidant calls the Anxious clingy and too much, the Anxious calls the Avoidant cold and selfish.
But this is just the beginning. If they continue, the amount of stress they both experience, especially the Anxious-Preoccupied, is unfathomable. They never feel secure, never know where they stand in a relationship and they cannot rely on the Avoidant partner, because they want to be so self-sufficient that they do not like to be relied upon.
And this is the crux of the matter. What is a relationship if not a safe space created by two people, who can trust and rely on each other? Who should you trust if not in your partner? For an Anxious, it is insane that she constantly needs to find out if the Avoidant partner is still ‘in the game’, due to the Avoidant’s contemptuous behavior.
Especially the continuous shaming, by deeming the Anxious overly emotional, needy and too much! They are not too much, they are only conditioned since childhood to be on the lookout for any sign of rejection. They are afraid to experience abandonment again, that’s all.
However Avoidant partners are not able to provide consistency, because the moment they get close, they feel that they are suffocating and try to get away at any cost. What they do not know and don’t even care, is that with this act they again and again and again deeply wounding the Anxious partner, so that they will pretty soon not trust them and start to instinctively act out; either by getting angry or scared, push them away but really, what they want is to pull them back close and keep them there.
This is a vicious cycle and even if both partners are super conscious of their Attachment style and their instinctual behaviors, in my opinion and experience, this always will be a constant struggle and the cause of immeasurable stress for the Anxious-Preoccupied.
An Avoidant partner will constantly trigger the abandonment wounds of an Anxious and vice versa. It is best to stay away from each other and find a Secure or an Anxious partner, who is free to express their emotions and can calm each other down with empathy, real care, and unselfish love.
Prolonged stress is the cause of most illnesses and whilst an Avoidant easily moves on and finds someone else, an Anxious partner can stay on high alert for years, which is so damaging for the body’s immune system and for the soul too.
I just want to advise all women especially, that if you feel that your partner plays hot and cold, distant many times and belittles you, and you read this article, find literature on attachment styles and leave. Your mental and physical health should be number one and it is best for the both of you if you can find a really supporting, kind, warm, loving partner, who is there when you need them and do not feel that you are a burden and overly sensitive. You are just wired differently and that opposite attracts is a myth.
You are better off with someone similar.
